Inadequate.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. - 1 Peter 5:8

Satan knows us.
And he knows our weaknesses.

And like a lion, he stalks his prey.
He knows when we grow weak and weary.
He knows when is the best time to attack.

For me, it has always been in the little things.
This was made especially evident to me this weekend.

A little background first…

When I was in school at Snead, I suffered from depression and anxiety.
No real reason to, everything was fine in school, with my family, everywhere.
But for whatever reason, be it chemical imbalances or subconscious fears, I had a problem.
And for a long time, I was on medication for that.

And it affected my body in ways I hadn’t really anticipated.
Between December and February of that year, I gained 50 pounds and 4 pants sizes.
Such a flux in weight prompted the doctor to take me off one of the medications.
And eventually, I was taken off the other.

I’d always had a fairly hair-trigger temper.
But something along the way changed.
Big problems and issues never really bothered me anymore.
It was just the stupid little things.

Things like my ironing board being broken and not folding right frustrating me to the point of shaking.
Or, such as this Sunday, not knowing how to turn off the projector at church led me to sit in my car and cry for at least fifteen minutes before eventually deciding to eat lunch with some friends from church.

Stupid little things.

When I first moved here and mistakenly had the power turned on at the wrong apartment causing me to have to rebuy all my groceries, no big deal.
When I was in Florence and had a fender bender on the church bus, I laughed it off.
When I found out that the setup for worship was going to be different this week, I embraced the challenge.

But something sent me over.

It could be that I put way too much pressure on myself.
That my expectations for myself are incredibly unrealistic.
That I don’t really understand what my limits are.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

That for whatever reason, I have so much trouble obeying this verse.
I see clear hope in it, but not real practicality.
And that really bothers me.

I do believe that the peace of God is adequate for my needs.
And I know that I am nothing without Him.

I see myself as being this weird kind of faith anomoly.
Whereas many people have problems trusting God with the big things, I have the same problem with smaller things.
Really, insignificant things.
Minor details.

I am too inadequate to fully trust His adequacy.

And then God speaks to me.
Not through a burning bush nor a donkey.
Not even through a hymn nor a Bible verse.
Of all random things, as I sit in my car red-faced with streaming tears, He chooses the shuffle on my iPod to play Jason Mraz featuring James Morrison.

Yes, that Jason Mraz.
The song was “Details in the Fabric.”
Here are some of the key lyrics for me…

=====
Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

And everything will be fine

Are the details in the fabric?
Are the things that make you panic?
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold
=====

Some days are better than others.
Sunday I had a moment of weakness, of feeling overwhelmed.
And the enemy attacked.

But praise God, help was already on the way!

Here’s to a better tomorrow today.
Peace and love.

Impressions.

I’ve always heard that first impressions are incredibly important.
In fact, there are scenarios where first impressions are all you get.

Job interviews, for example, are one instance of when you really want to put your best foot forward.
You know, by avoiding such behavior as walking past the interviewers to get a cup of coffee or making sarcastic comments such as, “How’d that work out for you?”

But, I think we all know that the reason for this post is not about job interviews.
As many of you know, I gave in to the suggestions of a coworker and went to a speed dating event last Friday night sponsored by WAY-FM, Asbury UMC, and Shea’s Express.

You know the drill, right?
We’ve all seen it on tv and in movies.
You get a limited amount of time to try to figure out if you’re compatible with a total stranger.
In our case, it was three minutes.
I’ll talk more about this later…

I went into this event with no expectations.
Well, thats not entirely true.
I had decided that it would be one of two things:
1. A tremendous amount of fun, or
2. An epic distaster

And full of unattractive people.
Thats right, I said it.
Who else at this stage in the game isn’t married yet…wait…
Nevermind…

Luckily for me, it was definitely option 1.
Though, for a few minutes at the beginning, it was leaning toward disaster as I looked down the tables at the ladies I would be meeting and noticed that they were all at least 7 years my senior.
Naturally I inquired of the organizers how  they went about dividing the age groups…because by the chance I was in a 26-35 group, it was going to be a rough night.
Once I asked, they realized there had been a mistake and that I belonged in the other group – the younger group – and so I was moved.

If I’m not mistaken, there were 13 girls to get to know.
And there are a lot of gaps in information to be left in such a rush.
For example, I don’t think I mentioned once that I was a student pastor.
But to be fair, none of them mentioned their kids, either.

I met two sets of twins.
I met Alabama graduates that were Auburn fans and Auburn graduates that were Alabama fans.
I met vegetarians, architects, school teachers, loan officers, hairdressers, and other occupations that I can’t remember.
Needless to say, quite the versatile crowd.

Like I said before, we got three minutes with each girl.
And based on those impressions, we had to choose at the end of the night any that we thought we’d be interested in getting to know.
This is where it gets difficult.
Not the choosing part, but the curiosity of whether anyone would choose me.

Well, some did.
I won’t say how many, but I will say that I can count them on one hand.
(Some of you will get that reference…many of you will not.)

As far as there being romantic connections and the possibility of meeting the future Mrs. Kyle Gilbert, that didn’t happen.
That wasn’t the point of the night.

I got out.
Had a good time.
Made some friends with guy and girls in town.
Thats what this was about for me.

If I had met my soulmate, that would have been awesome.
Who knows, maybe I have met her already.
Or maybe I should quit my job and start teaching.
That apparently worked for Ted Mosby, or at least thats what the teaser at the end of Season 4 leads us to believe…

I suppose time will tell.

Peace and love.

Storehouse.

A few weeks ago, I took on a part-time job at Asbury United Methodist Church in Madison, Alabama as the Sound Technician for the traditional worship services.
Of course, I’m still learning my way around, trying to figure out exactly what my job is.
So, for me to post in great detail about that really isn’t in the realm of possibility just yet.

Instead, this has more to do with another ministry of Asbury UMC which I have quickly grown very fond of.

One of the most difficult things about my former church position was the lack of ability to worship and spend time with people my own age.
I did go to the Well in Florence for a while, but, due to the distance from my home (over 100 miles), it was a near impossibility to really develop meaningful relationships out of that.
Not to mention the driving time, late nights, and sleeping on couches in conjunction with having to be at work the next morning.
It was good, and I loved every time I got to be there, but it wasn’t the best of situations.

I was quickly informed about a ministry of Asbury called the Storehouse.
I was told this is a time not only of worship, but community for college students and young adults.
The 20-something demographic.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided I would check it out.
And I absolutely LOVED the way they have this set up.

People generally start showing up around 6:00 to share a free meal together.
Sitting around tables having dinner with folks is a great way to meet people and make new friends.
I should know.

After everyone has had their fill, and Ted makes a few announcements about upcoming events (which now include a November trip to Gatlinburg and Super-hero Flag Football), everyone makes their way into the sanctuary for worship.
This is probably one of my favorite worship settings that I’ve been in.
Since I’ve been there, the sanctuary is larger than what the crowd needs, so you can pretty much go wherever and be able to worship without worrying about bothering someone beside you.

Admittedly, I think it would be cool if someone rewrote the lyrics of Phish’s Farmhouse to “Welcome, this is the Storehouse…” and use it as a call to worship.
Ted, if you read this, toss the idea around to some of the more creative folks.
It could work.

But here is the thing that really sticks out to me about the Storehouse that is different from the Well, Discovery (from BCM days), or anything else I’ve been to.
The speaker doesn’t finish the sermon.
Instead, small groups break out and discuss the implications and applications of the message.
To me, this leads to a greater strength in community, as we get to hear from our peers.
Hear their thoughts on the topic, and get to share our own.

I’m looking forward to getting more involved with the Storehouse as time goes by.

I really enjoy the traditional services at Asbury.
There is a solid group of pastors that I enjoy hearing that challenge me in profound ways.
But there is something about being with people in similar places in life that can’t be described.

The first night I was there, one song spoke to me above the rest.

I’ve finally found where I belong
I’ve finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I’ve finally found where I belong, its to be with You, to be with You

In this, I have found my community.
I have found where I belong.

Have you found yours?

Peace and love.

iGro.

This is just a little late in the making.
Like three weeks late.
The story I’m going with is that I wanted to let things sink in for a few weeks before exploring my own thoughts.
The truth is that I haven’t made time yet.
Which, ironically, is one of the things I’ll be writing about.

Last week was a first for me.
I’d never really helped out with a Disciple Now before.
Not counting the time I drove around campus at UA with an airhorn chasing down students carrying mattresses.
Confused? You should be.

Moving on…
I got a call from Rob Hullett, easily one of my oldest friends, asking me to come and be a counselor for DNow.
Now, I feel I should let you know that this is not the first time that Rob has asked me to help out at Corinth.
And, I pray, it won’t be the last.
I’ve preached two WOW Services for him, and feel almost like a special guest host there now.

But this is different from speaking at a service.
This would be personal interaction with the kids, allowing my story to intersect and interact with theirs.

That is probably the single greatest thing I miss about student ministry: the interaction.

Anyway, as I prepared for the weekend, I found myself convicted.
I saw gaps in my own spiritual life where things I said I believed didn’t align correctly with the things I actually did.
Mostly in the area of personal quiet time and Bible reading.
Not that I didn’t read the Bible before, because I did.
But it was always in preparation for a message or a study I was doing.
Not for my own edification.

So for a while, I found myself getting up at 4:00am to read the Scriptures.
That turned into 4:15…into 4:30…into 4:45…and you get the picture.
As it is now, the time is at 5:00 or so when I get up to spend time with God.

And to say that it has changed my daily outlook would be a gross understatement.
I would encourage any of you that don’t have the habit already, to start reading at least some scripture each day.
It will change your world.

There were other things about the D-Now weekend that stood out to me:

1. In case you don’t know me that well, apparently it sticks out pretty vividly that I’m not married.
That was kind of the big joke of the weekend.

2. I met an evangelist who could EASILY be what I turn into in the next 10-15 years.
Uncanny story similarities.
Everything from college radio experiences to high school romances with girls way out of our leagues.

3. I’ve been extremely blessed with a great group of godly friends.
I’ve noticed this before, but usually when I say that, it is in reference to the inner circle of friends I ran with in Tuscaloosa.
Monday nights at Wings, Tuesday nights at Chili’s, Friday lunches at Rama Jama’s.
All those folks aside, I’m still blessed incredibly beyond what I deserve.
Like I mentioned earlier about feeling like a “guest host” at Corinth, that probably doesn’t even properly express my relationship with the people there.
Even with the limited amount of time I’ve spent with the people there (youth, young adults, and “not young” adults. yeah, thats you Gus), I can tell they truly are a “Faith Family.”
So, thanks Rob for introducing me to the folks there…even if your wife seems to think that your youth like me better than you. Ha! 

There is so much more I need to update on.
Admittedly, I’ve been more than a little busy, and that has led to a bit of negligence to this blog.
But here are a couple of teasers for you while I work on that.

1. New church.
2. Safe place.
3. Higher education.
4. Bold ventures.

Until then…

Peace and love.

Past.

I’ve got a lot of junk.
Useless stuff that I’ve accumulated over the years.
In the past few days, I’ve been going through boxes throwing much of it away.

Of course, there are those pieces that I’m keeping.
Various reasons.
Memories.
Nostalgia.
Love.
Former love.

Its pretty much been an amazing thing to be able to look back and see transition and changes and memories from the perspective of knowing how things ended up.

For example, “I love you forever” doesn’t necessarily mean that.

I still have every love note from high school.
Some were dated 1997 and 1998, and then there were the ones from Erika during my senior year.
From the “I didn’t know if you liked me” to the “We’ll make it work while you’re in college.”
It didn’t work.
I even found the poetry collection I kept, including one written the day we broke up.
It was August 16, 2001.

There are personal cards from people I have little or no recollection of.
For future reference, when signing cards, please use your last name also.

I found stacks and stacks of photos of me and my friends in high school.
And wow…WHAT A GEEK!
I know what you’re thinking.
“But Kyle, you’re STILL a geek!”

You have NO idea.
I was so awkward then, that if I were my present self in those days, I probably would have been embarrassed to be my friend.
So, thanks to you all that were my friends through those days!

There were handmade cards for Thanksgiving and Valentines Day.
Doubtful I’ll get any more of those.
But, that is still the only hot pink hand turkey I’ve ever received.

And there is evidence of friendships and relationships that I let slip through my fingers.

Sermon notes from years ago.
Scripts, essays, and research papers from college.
Letters from my brother after I moved to Tuscaloosa.
Letters from my mother letting me know about getting a bucket full of okra and that she was praying for me.
The last birthday card I ever received from my Grandpa Fricks with his own signature. I was 10 or 11, I think.
A hand-written letter from my near blind Granny Audry to encourage me to keep my “chin up and nose clean” from when I was having a really hard time in Tuscaloosa.

So, as I sat in the floor of a room filled with yet-to-be-unpacked boxes and memories all over the place around me, I found myself literally moved to tears.
I’ve always kind of imagined my life as something lame and ordinary.
But as I look at everything around…all the nametags from various events, boarding passes, concert tickets, graduation invitations, cards, letters, pictures, poetry…my life has been very full.

Living those moments, I had no clue what the future held.
Where would I go to college?
What kind of job would I get?
Would I really amount to anything?
Was I really anything special?

But, again, to see myself in those moments, and now being able to look back and see some of the bigger picture…which relationships lasted, which didn’t, which could have been more, how experiences have shaped who I am…the hindsight is 20/20.
So clear.

And though, here I am, 10+ years later…again with no clue what the future holds.
I’m sure I’ll look back later on, and it will all make perfect sense.
But for now, I’m just living the moments, praying for the wisdom to see what I have now and enjoy that…just so I don’t see it later, and wish I’d given it more attention.

But there God stands.
Knowing when I was a kid the answers to all of the above questions, and many more questions.
And knowing now the answers to the same questions from this point forward.
“I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come.” – Isaiah 46:10

I don’t stand in awe of that promise, nor the Maker of it, as often as I should.
The idea that my story has already been written, that God knows the ending when its only half-way(?) through.
No surprise twist endings. It simply is what it is.
There really aren’t words that come to mind to fully express how that moves me.

I pray I live it well.
And that you discover your story, as I continue to search for mine.

Peace and love.